FAT BOTTOM FEELS PINCH

We are sorry to be the bearers of bad news again so soon after the unfortunate welcome the seamen of the De Haveland received that foggy morn not long past. But there is no cheery way to spin it; the Gravy Boat Tour has been canceled. That’s right, as of now, the Adipos River has frozen, as near as we can tell all the way to the bottom. This means no Gravy Boat Hayride, and unless things change drastically soon, the Spring Biscuit Races will have to be canceled as well.

Resident ladles downstream at Fat Bottom were devastated. Many in that community demanded that planning begin immediately to mine the Adipose River. However, it was pointed out that even though no other source of such copious amounts of gravy has been secured, the very cold water threatening to over-top the corn bread reinforced mashed potato levees would make such an endeavor both very dangerous and expensive. In any case, the ice floes seen moving rapidly down-river make any navigation highly inadvisable at this time.

As sad as things appear at Fat Bottom, promises of help and support are pouring in from their friends and neighbors in the upper Adipose Valley. The Slutty, pardon me, the Slotty Spoons of the Pot Liquer Township Women’s Auxiliary, as well as employees and management of Barry`s Biscuit Emporium, vow to sop at nothing to provide shelter and at least part-time work for any displaced ladles.

LAKE HOUSE SCENE OF BIZARRE TRAGEDY

As county seat of Flatware County, Lake House has long been a popular vacation spot, as well as a haven and favorite final abode of aging flatware. This morning`s fog-muffled stillness was abruptly shattered. In a scene right out of “Ice Station Zebra” the Royal Navy`s submarine HMS De Haviland broke surface near the intersection of Oneida and Nuritaki early this morning in a dense fog, only to be struck moments later by the Nook/Sideboard trolley. The enhanced atm photo above was taken seconds before the trolley impact and is the only visual documentation of the sub which is now hidden beneath the growing ice.

Till this morning the De Haviland had been missing with all hands since 1959. The confused sailors appear healthy, other than those struck by the trolley and subsequently frozen to the pavement. Actually they seem remarkably well preserved, especially considering the youngest among them are in their late seventies and the oldest in their nineties, few of them look over 40. Further examination of the submarine has been hampered by the iceberg that`s grown up around and over it and is still spreading. The rapidly growing iceberg, fed by the unbelievably frigid water still pouring from Oneida street, seems destined to become the first glacier to wander Flatware County in more than a thousand years.