IT CAME A-PONE A MIDNIGHT CLEAR

Besides being maybe the best gravy accessory since mashed potatoes, pone has worked its way deeply into Flatware County vernacular. Of course, bonehead became ponehead. The same process brought us poneitis, pone to be wild, “Unacceptable, your pone is too young,” way down uh-pone the Suwannee River, once a-pone a midnight dreary… I guess we should count ourselves lucky that people haven`t smurfed out completly on us and included it a couple of times in every sentence.

When I was little our corn bread was the southern variety, a little white on the inside, a golden-crusted, steaming, buttery miracle. I hardly remember the peas, beans, the corn or even the beets (yuck). Even now I can remember the slight twang (probably buttermilk) of the coo-coo-clock weight shaped muffins. My other childhood memories somehow pale when compared to the glass of milk stuffed full of crumbled corn bread or the golden color of sorghum syrup when I swirled in the butter.

Pone head, hey, takes one to be one. The definition of pone from wikipedia includes “one who possesses certain rural, unsophiscated peculiarities.” It`s a silly job, but somebody`s gotta do it. “And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost a-pone the floor.” ........Chatty Silvers

CRACK PALACE MALFUNCTION OPENS WIGGLE JET PORTAL

Well, Plush Neon Monkey got his wish. First thought to be a malfunction from a long running (two or three weeks) continuous cycle, the sudden appearance of The Crack Palace Portal is not a fluke! A breakaway portion of the Big Smoke`s Crack Fortress disappeared between over-flights, revealing a short, green-walled hallway with an insubstantial floor.

As he first approached the now wide-open portal,

the change was apparent from a little less than a block away. “What’s up with the Crack Palace,” said Plush Neon Monkey, as he continued to close on the newly mutated portal. The portal that had been solid, from inside and out in both bright and dark under-worlds, was now wide open. He flew in and sank through the pale green floor. After pausing to place a map marker, Plush hovered around the neighborhood awhile before returning to the exit to spawn a Harier-type hover-jet in front of the portal.

The wings of the hover-jet are too wide to pass head-on through the portal, but leading with a wing-tip, only a little wiggling is required to enter the “Bright Underworld.” When a gentle entry is accomplished, hover exploration works well as long as you don`t sink down into the dark (there is no ground in the bright underworld). Easing a jet into forward to cruise is challenging, but the view is amazing. Rise too high and suddenly you see the cockpit fill with sparks, and you`re skidding along on the belly of your jet out in the world again. Toggle back into hover and check the map to see how far you`ve made it, and head back to the portal to try again.

The Crack Palace Portal to the “Bright Underworld” only lasted

about an hour and a half before it locked up and had to be restarted. Jet flights under the tiny cars climbing invisible hills were punctuated by splashes of color as the scenery above appeared and disappeared in flashes as the viewing angles changed. Water planes proved to be every bit the trap for jets that they were for jet packs in the “Bright Underworld.”

Further exploration and testing revealed that at least in the R-rated (Hot Coffee) version we examined, the portal that appears at Smoke`s Crack Fortress does so with very little provocation. Just a couple of shots from the hover-jet, or a hand-grenade, and the whole break-away section falls to show the light blue of the “Bright Underworld.” The PG version however, has showed no signs of such a portal. Only during the last mission does the PG version reveal a “Dark World” portal from within “Big Smoke`s Crack Fortress,” through the third floor ceiling (for super jump access only).

...fellow explorer- Chatty Silvers

FAT BOTTOM FEELS PINCH

We are sorry to be the bearers of bad news again so soon after the unfortunate welcome the seamen of the De Haveland received that foggy morn not long past. But there is no cheery way to spin it; the Gravy Boat Tour has been canceled. That’s right, as of now, the Adipos River has frozen, as near as we can tell all the way to the bottom. This means no Gravy Boat Hayride, and unless things change drastically soon, the Spring Biscuit Races will have to be canceled as well.

Resident ladles downstream at Fat Bottom were devastated. Many in that community demanded that planning begin immediately to mine the Adipose River. However, it was pointed out that even though no other source of such copious amounts of gravy has been secured, the very cold water threatening to over-top the corn bread reinforced mashed potato levees would make such an endeavor both very dangerous and expensive. In any case, the ice floes seen moving rapidly down-river make any navigation highly inadvisable at this time.

As sad as things appear at Fat Bottom, promises of help and support are pouring in from their friends and neighbors in the upper Adipose Valley. The Slutty, pardon me, the Slotty Spoons of the Pot Liquer Township Women’s Auxiliary, as well as employees and management of Barry`s Biscuit Emporium, vow to sop at nothing to provide shelter and at least part-time work for any displaced ladles.

LAKE HOUSE SCENE OF BIZARRE TRAGEDY

As county seat of Flatware County, Lake House has long been a popular vacation spot, as well as a haven and favorite final abode of aging flatware. This morning`s fog-muffled stillness was abruptly shattered. In a scene right out of “Ice Station Zebra” the Royal Navy`s submarine HMS De Haviland broke surface near the intersection of Oneida and Nuritaki early this morning in a dense fog, only to be struck moments later by the Nook/Sideboard trolley. The enhanced atm photo above was taken seconds before the trolley impact and is the only visual documentation of the sub which is now hidden beneath the growing ice.

Till this morning the De Haviland had been missing with all hands since 1959. The confused sailors appear healthy, other than those struck by the trolley and subsequently frozen to the pavement. Actually they seem remarkably well preserved, especially considering the youngest among them are in their late seventies and the oldest in their nineties, few of them look over 40. Further examination of the submarine has been hampered by the iceberg that`s grown up around and over it and is still spreading. The rapidly growing iceberg, fed by the unbelievably frigid water still pouring from Oneida street, seems destined to become the first glacier to wander Flatware County in more than a thousand years.

CITIZENS OF FLATWARE COUNTY

If there were a key to Flatware County, we`d have to send a copy to New Knoxville, Ohio. Some might think it impractical to commute to Flatware County from New Knoxville, that there is no direct route, or, you know, I don`t think you can get there from here.

The citizens of Flatware County are a diverse bunch, and, yes, our airport isn`t the best way to get here. We`ve all heard someone say, “Dude, you just had to be there.” They were right. Although Ohio seems a bit far removed from Flatware County, to us it`s obvious that if Gary Hovey lives there, it can`t be that far away. The amazing work of Mr. Hovey shows that the dreams of flatware everywhere are not in vain; there is life beyond the silverware drawer. Mr. Hovey reminds us again that, like heaven, Flatware County is closer than hands and feet. Thank you, Gary Hovey, for a vision that reveals the often taken-for-granted magic lying on either side of our plates.

Here is some recent work not yet on the Hoveyware website. For now we have an exclusive.
Mr. Hovey assures me all his sculptures are dishwasher safe.

WHAT DOES THE FUTURE HOLD FOR THE RUNE SPOONS

Like the ancient Greeks, the residents of Flatware County have been blessed with oracles. Though not from Delphi, these oracles are prized local prognosticators. There are, to the best of my knowledge, few if any other seers in Flatware County. We mostly write our future as we go along. I`m not even sure henbane grows here. While I haven`t been able to confirm it, I believe that the Rune Spoons are a phenomenon unique to Flatware County.

This is an introductory episode of the Rune Spoon Cartoon. For this episode we will draw on the definitions of the runes as presented by Ralph H. Blum in “The Book of Runes” A Handbook
for the Use of an Ancient Oracle: The Viking Runes. This isn`t the only set of allegorical definitions; I found several sets. My cursory, 20 minute, online search for the Blum definitions was fruitless. Wikipedia had a huge amount of stuff I was too lazy to read. That said I`m glad to have the other sets to consider and compare, but I prefer “The Book of Runes.” Besides, I already have a copy.

NEW BONES FOR THE PLUSH NEON MONKEY

Allrighty then, even the return of Aquavelveta pales next to news
of Plush Neon Monkey`s re-animotion (that`s a word right?). There were dark days for plush neon monkey, learning to cope with his paralysis. The sudden violence of the first chained-stand, full power test of Frangible Spoon`s Weed Whacker Ornithopter was hard on everyone present. Hell, it took twenty minutes to sweep up Frangible`s all but powdered remains. Meanwhile Nitinol Spoon sustained neither a scratch nor dent that didn`t pop right out with a quick dip in hot
water.

The conflagration began when a gust of wind brought the tip of one of the Weed Whacker Wings in contact with one of the chains holding down Frangible Spoon`s ornithopter. When the dust cleared, Frangible Spoon was too shattered to be recognized. Plush Neon Monkey and Nitinol Spoon were both thrown to the distant fences, and the Weed Whacker Ornithopter was once again a dream, two broken weed whackers, and a lot of unlikely looking little pieces.

In true Neon Monkey style, Plush has continued to make personal appearances.His San Andreas appearence was just weird; the dark orange sky was very distracting. Even so, we could tell he was just propped up. Oh yeah, you still got it, glow buddy.

Frangible Spoon has recently been resifted and shock-molded. He claims he isn`t as shiny as he used to be, but it`s nice to be tall again. Even though the whacker-thopter was his favorite re-purposed lawn tool aircraft, there was no mention of rebuilding it.

Fuzzy stem cleaner therapy has made great strides lately! Here at The Flatware County Gazette, we`re all hoping to see Plush Neon Monkey at this Fall’s gravy boat hayride, and we`re saving him a seat. Interest in this, the last tour of the season, has been running high. With luck the gravy won`t coagulate for another couple of weeks.

HONEY I`M HOME, HONEY?

Chez, I am returned, but who do I tell? I have been down here every day for a week now trying to file my Faxel Gears story. I guess I can take care of announcing my own return, but if I have to write the stories set the type, take out the trash, and answer all the mail, I want an office with a fridge and a window. Even the mice have stopped hanging around here--Hell if I hadn`t been here all the plants would be dead by now. I guess I can answer the phones for another day or two.
I hear that everybody`s been tied up getting the linktile website in shape. I think it`s great that we did that exhibition series on linktile, but a quick look at their counter says that they could take their time polishing up their site for company. Oh yeah, what`s up with that "Lizards" page? I checked it out, no lizards, just a couple of skinks and that "left handed lizard scoop."

The Faxel Gears story was pretty nearly a non-starter. First , I don`t believe there is a regularly scheduled flight from Flatware County to Birmingham, Alabama. Besides, the closest Faxel Gears got to Birmingham was the "No Pressure Palace" Bryce world. Faxel`s adventures in filmmaking led him to try shooting a proof of concept piece in Bryce. Fine, build some sets, frame some shots, place some lights, but Faxel got some kind of budget ticket outta Second Life. He seems to be dimensionally challenged, and though he`s flying all over, he seems frozen and flat as a board. Nice smile, but is he really glad to see us? Who knows? Good luck Faxel, but it seems to me that the only concept proved by this short is, machinema isn`t a game open to penniless Second Life poets. Aquavelveta


The stairs are steep

These walls too high

my avatar is lame

I`m standing in the water

but at least I`m in the game

Faxel Gears

SHINY ON FLAT LILLY WHITE ON WHITE

"Lillywhite" is a 24 inch dia. fifteen sidded table. It is one of a series of single color mosaics. The second "the Olmec Baby" is also matt and shiny white, it is now on display at linktile. The third "Electroglide in Blue" is a coffee table sized, dark blue on dark blue, 270 piece motorcycle.

CROUCHING HIDDEN

Unt here ist yet another offering from der linktilein, indeed!

A case of arrested development, in this instance arrested at or near the tipping point. This hot chocolate colored sandstone was fun to cut with a claw point. The shape suddenly became permanent. Cracks revealed in carving made further hammering inadvisable. All plans are canceled. Crouching hidden unrevealed.

GAZETTE REPORTER DETAINED IN

NO-FLY SNAFU

First notice , arts and entertainment editor, AquavelVeta is being detained at the airport.

Mz Veta`s assignment in Birmingham was to

find out why film maker Faxel Gears` latest film

"An Evening At The No Pressure Palace" has stopped production. Vel was detained while attempting to return to Flatware County. After referring to a (No-Fly) list and new regulations outlawing gels

(of mysterious origin) Terminal official O.D.Spoon voided their tickets and ordered Mz.Veta and her interpreter held.

GREETINGS FLATWARE COUNTY

First day on the job this 450lb molar LR3 sits very lightly. The crown is covered with cracked, glossy, white wall tile. It perches on antique white roots as smooth as paper. This week we present a series of mosaics and sculptures from linktile another
new comer to Flatware County.